Earlier this week, three-year-old Ian Vecci refused to leave the park without a leaf he’s totally obsessed with, further confirming his destiny as a huge fucking dork.
Although Ian has only been alive for three years, it’s safe to say that his obsession with this browning leaf and not with the Capri Sun his mom offered him, is a clear sign he’ll become a research scientist and not something cool like a lawyer or a bro who works at a startup.
His family is already concerned.
“I held a soccer ball in front of his face – nothing,” says Ian’s mother, Eileen Vecci. “I held my phone in front of him – nothing. But when I tried to take his leaf away, he had a full-blown tantrum.”
Ian’s preschool teachers and friends have seen signs that point to Vecci someday being a geek, but his obsession with the leaf has set his destiny in stone.
“Ian always sits quietly during book time and just listens to the story,” says Angela Wheaton, Ian’s preschool teacher. “He one time asked me how the faucet works as he washed his hands with soap and dried them neatly. What a nerd.”
Ian’s older brother, 10-year-old Renardo Vecci, admits that Ian’s fascination with the leaf leads him to believe his brother’s path won’t be easy.
“Dorks who like leaves don’t get sports, girls or happiness,” shares Renardo. “It’s a shame, we could have had some fun times together. He’s basically dead to me now.”
Sources confirm that Ian will grow up to be a physics professor with bifocals who writes a book but never gets married. Though he’ll have warm feelings towards a colleague, his bumbling foolishness will prevent him from ever telling her how he feels.
“It’s a pity my big leaf-obsessed nerd son will die alone someday,” says Eileen, the child’s mother, as she shakes her head. “If only he didn’t care so much about that fucking stupid leaf.”
At the conclusion of this interview, Ian wandered over to the window, pointed outside and said, “Look, a bird!”
To which his mother replied, “Ian, you’ve committed social suicide.”