I Want a Prison Girlfriend, Except Actually a Guy and Not a Criminal

Watching Orange is the New Black really makes me want a prison girlfriend to have a torrid, tortured, on-and-off affair and forbidden semi-public sex with, except, like, actually a guy, and you know, not a criminal and not in prison. Sorry, I’m not gay enough to eat pussy or crazy enough to commit a crime. But the rest of it sounds so hot! You know, the sex part!


I still can’t get over the scene in season one when Piper comes out of the SHU and grabs Alex and they go do it in the chapel. It made me realize how much I want a prison girlfriend to do that exact super-hot thing to me. The only difference would be that we would be leaving work and going back to the nice apartment of my hot coworker, who is a dude and very much on the right side of the law. But still, I would literally die for that same “just got out of the SHU” hot sex feeling.


Remember when Nicky and Morello were “friends with benefits” and would screw in the showers even though Morello had an imaginary fiancé who actually had restraining order against her? I totally want an insane prison girlfriend to have that kind of convenient arrangement with, except maybe with one of the gorgeous guys from accounting, who has a clean bill of mental health and no criminal record whatsoever. Wild!!



And oh man, I completely understood when the wide-eyed young inmate fell for Crazy Eyes after reading her intergalactic smut. My volatile prison girlfriend would write sexy stories for only me to enjoy during the long, boring days of imprisonment, and by imprisonment I mean work at my office (which provides free craft beer after six), and the stories would be sent to me by blue-eyed babe Jeremy from accounting, from his personal email and during off-work hours, because he obeys all rules always and can control his impulses.


And of course, I totally understand those guys who drove all the way to Litchfield to visit Morello, their very own smoking-hot, ultimately unattainable prison girlfriend. I would go those lengths as well for that type of connection with MY very own prison girlfriend, Jeremy, who lives in Brooklyn just two subway stops away from me, and also I want to mention that he has never so much as left the office 20 minutes early because he would never steal anything, not even time.


In the end, I think we all just want an Alex to lie next to in our cot and say, “I heart you.” I know I do—just a male Alex named Jeremy in a king-size waterbed in a suite on our honeymoon in Fiji with zero chance that he will ever be arrested for anything in our perfect life together because he’s definitely not a criminal. But otherwise, exactly the same. It will feel so dangerous and illicit even though it won’t be.