New Positions to Not Orgasm In

Missionary, doggy style, cowgirl—admit it, ladies, we’ve been not orgasming in the same tired old positions for years. It’s time to learn some new ways to get your anticlimactic groove on. Our sexperts tested out these five hot new positions, and oh yeah: They didn’t come in any of them! Now, you can’t, too. Here are a few anticlimactic moves to try tonight:

Reverse Cow

A perfect position for gals who need to ease into something new while still not having an orgasm, Reverse Cow is a fresh take on an old standard. Lie on your back with your arms and legs lifted straight into the air like a stiff, dead cow. Have your man lie on top of you any way he can fit between your four posts. Then, moan like the bovine princess you are as he hits the Big O and you kinda feel something weird in your hip.

 

Squash Crotch

Spontaneous sex is the sexiest sex, so don’t discriminate when it comes to time and place! Squash Crotch is sex in such a small space that your crotches are bent up against each other like two dirty pool noodles shoved into a full car trunk after a day at the public pool. He’ll love how deep he can go, and you’ll love not being taunted by his smug orgasm face. How do orgasms work, even? Wonder about this while he has the time of his life yet again.

 

Chair Lift

Props can take your lovemaking to the next level, so grab a chair and hold it securely above your head as he does whatever with his dick. Your strength will get him so hot that his kettle will boil instantly, and you’ll get an awesome core workout. This is an especially weird one, but it’s perfect for spicing up a long-term, female-orgasm-less partnership!

 

 

Tax Season

Role-playing is a great way to add intrigue to any committed relationship. This particular setup has your man playing the clueless client to your stern, knowledgeable accountant. Have him lie helplessly on a table as you crawl on top of him with your laptop open to TurboTax. Rock back and forth until he comes and you finally figure out how to claim a dependent without having to build a whole new profile. Hawt!

 

Up and Adam

This is one of the easiest new positions for ladies not to orgasm in! Simply wake up in the middle of the night to light movement in the bed, lean over and notice your guy furiously masturbating under your shared sheets. Then roll your eyes and go back to sleep as he passionately explodes. It’s not technically sex, but he’s still coming without you!

 

Try any of these with your man, and he’ll say, “___.” Nothing! Cuz he’ll already be asleep!

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