How to Know If Oh No He Didn’t

You try to be strong and stand by your man, but sometimes it’s hard to know the difference between when, yes, he has, and when oh no, he didn’t. Has he acted as a courteous and chivalrous gentleman, or a scurvy rogue, just like you thought he would? Ask these questions to find out:


Did He? Keep a cool head and look at all the facts. What did you fear he would do? Did he do it? Has he strayed beyond the bounds of your courtship? Did he buy a Jet Ski? Do your homework and look for clues regarding the doing of that which he may have done. If things look suspicious that he did indeed, it is very likely that oh no he didn’t.


Is He Keeping it Real? The extent of his realness could indicate his commitment to veracity and a code of masculine ethics, but also more sinister deeds, like spending your mad money on lap dances in Newark. What about his relationship with his peers? Do they have a “bros before hos” code of conduct? Do you know if his friends have any, perhaps, unsavory monikers for you? If they do, it is within the realm of possibility that the keeping of his realness would spur him to do such that you feel that, oh no, he didn’t.



Oh, Hell No? Get in touch with your inner compass. Does it point right or left, or to, “oh hell no, motherfucker?” If the latter is the case, then it is entirely possible that oh no he didn’t. Whether it was looking down the V-neck of your mom’s boucle sweater while she leaned over the table for gravy, or refusing to hold your earrings when you stepped up to choke a bitch who jostled you in the line at the Cinemark, you know in your heart that he is in the wrong.


Can You Even? This question is of utmost importance. Whether he is as gallant as Sir Gawain or creeping with the girl next door, you have to look at your own tolerance for his shit. If you have reached a point of mental and emotional exhaustion with his idiosyncrasies, no matter how small (could you clean the crumb tray in the fucking toaster at least once, Derek?), then it is time to get gone, girl.


Now that you’re sure that oh no he didn’t, it’s time to strap up and get yours. Book an afternoon at a Korean spa with your bestie and try to be cool with all the nudity and scrubbing. Spend an afternoon sipping a cooling green tea and read an 18th century novel by a female author with a man’s name. After all, that no-good rounder is out of your life, and it is time to get sprung!