How to Put a Hex on Your Ex Without Closing That Door Completely

When you’ve been wronged by a former lover, the most satisfying closure is most certainly revenge. These curses six ensure your ex a treacherous, miserable existence…unless they’re like, down to try things again. You never know! In the meantime, conjure an elixir that will send them straight to hell….or your place. Whichever is more convenient.


A Frog’s thigh in his tea: This cursed potion will cause spontaneous paralysis of the fingers for two weeks straight, but maintain ability to use voice-activated technology should they want to reach out for medical aid, or maybe just to say they made a huge mistake by not driving your mom to the airport. You know, just in case!


Hair of a wolf born during a blood moon: Add one strand of a wolf’s hair to the tea of the intended to transform them into a werewolf. The once-human deceiver will wander the forests for eternity, coincidentally on the same hiking trail you take in your new butt-lift leggings that happen to look really, really good. He’s definitely going to notice!


Amethyst under their pillow: Hide a piece of amethyst under their pillow during the half moon and everything from their earthly life will be forgotten: their name, their address, and that time you said that thing about wanting be get married by thirty. You thought about it, and who needs a timeline, am I right?! Use two amethysts if you talked about how you could totally see yourself as a young mom.


Bury a maple leaf in a shallow grave: The former flame’s hair will turn to ash as soon as it begins to grow. As their vanity suffers, perhaps they will remember that you were kind of into a bald look and maybe they should give you another chance.


Burn a four-leaf clover over a mossy log: At last, the Bad Luck hex. Your ex will lose their job, their money, and their home. Friends will turn their backs and dogs will howl as they walk past. The afflicted will sleep alone in the cold, dark of night. They will wander the earth with nothing left, but can totally talk to you about it if they want. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on! Also you definitely have a futon if he needs a place to crash.



Now, my enchantresses, you are ready to curse those vile beings that have done you wrong. And should they endure their curse and choose to make the best decision of their life to run right back to you, that’s their deal (though it should be said, you’re totally open to taking responsibility for some stuff that maybe you didn’t take ownership of before). Scorned witches, unite!