When I got pregnant, I was so excited. Though my husband and I hadn’t been trying to have a baby, we felt blessed by the promise of having a family together. But early in my pregnancy, my doctors told me I had developed a blood clot that stretched from my elbow to my shoulder, and that continuing the pregnancy put me at significant risk of dying. I was horrified when they put the option of termination on the table, and because of my deeply held beliefs, I said no, I will carry this pregnancy to full term. I have no regrets about that—but I do wish I’d known that I would for sure die because of it.
You see, I believe that life begins at conception. From the moment I became pregnant, I could feel that there was someone growing inside me. It doesn’t matter that the fetus, at that point, had no brain function and was just a cluster of cells that couldn’t feel any pain. Although, speaking of pain, I do wish that a doctor had been like, super clear with me about my chances of survival. I wouldn’t have done anything differently, but you know, it doesn’t hurt to have the reality of a 95% fatality rate really drilled into you because now I’m dead and I was REALLY not planning on that happening.
Now that I’m dead, I get to look down on my husband as he plays with our daughter. I watch him play peek-a-boo, fall asleep next to her, change diapers, and pick up extra shifts at work because raising a child on a single salary is hard and not what he had expected. I admit, sometimes I get very sad knowing that I never even got to hold my daughter. Seriously, not saying I have any regrets but wow, sometimes Heaven just doesn’t feel like Heaven, you know?
It was absolutely heartbreaking when I realized I might not survive childbirth. I’d spoken to friends who had miscarriages, and a few who had abortions, and nothing they told me could have prepared me for the despair and helplessness I felt when my doctor told me that to continue with the pregnancy, I’d be giving up my life and that it was early enough in the pregnancy that I could safely terminate. “This is a rare but true case when we can terminate the pregnancy to save the life of the mother,” he said, and while I absolutely wouldn’t have changed a thing, like seriously don’t even suggest it, you’re crazy and wrong to even think that I would have done anything different, it is very interesting to consider that something could have saved me and maybe I could have had another healthy child down the road and lived to see him or her grow up and get married and all that. Really makes you think.
When it comes down to it, I know in my heart, which is no longer beating, that I made the right choice. I love looking down on all the people on Earth who I loved most and to send little signs that I love them, miss them, and hope they maybe consider all their options down the road.
