How to Stay Humble After You Had Sex for the First Time in Two Years

After two long and painful years of involuntary celibacy, someone finally took you home and banged you. Hard. But while it’s understandable that you want to celebrate by doing a choreographed dance routine in the street, it’s important to stay grounded and remember where you came from. Here’s how to celebrate the fact that you got nasty in the bedroom for the first time in years without upsetting your friends.


Know That Not Everyone Shares Your Experience

Not everyone got ridden like a pony at a rodeo after two years of never feeling the sensual touch of another human being. Be aware of the experience of others. When you want to show off your hickey marks, just know that the person you’re showing them too might be going through a dry spell that makes your own sexual Sahara look like a rainforest. Not you, though. You got fuuuuucked.


Listen to What Others are Saying

Your friends might be telling you you’re being extra just because you won’t stop mentioning how big his dick was. If they say, “You haven’t been talking about anything else this entire brunch also this isn’t that big a deal we all have sex all the time,” you’re probably just talking about it too much. Scale it back. That goofy smile you have on your face should be enough to telegraph that someone was balls deep inside you.


Know Where You Came From

Today, you are a woman who is walking like a cowboy. But yesterday, you were a woman who was praying for an end to her two years of unintentional celibacy. Acknowledge the fact that it’s been a minute (1,051,920 to be exact) since you got any. Your friends might stop threatening to leave brunch because you keep on saying, “Did I tell you that we did it twice? Twice!!!” if you find a way to redirect that energy into something else.



Be Grateful

Who knows when you’ll get laid again? It could be tomorrow (fingers crossed), it could be another two years from now (please no). Count your blessings as they happen. And right now you are blessed because someone made you scream, “Oh god! Oh my god yes finally!” on repeat for one whole sexy night. Never let anyone forget that. Someone wanted you. High. Five.


These tips will help you stay grounded at a time when your head is in the clouds. But you can still buy yourself a giant fucking cake to celebrate, you nasty, nasty girl!


view all comments hide comments

Leave a Reply