The American people have murder fever! If you didn’t love The Jinx, Making A Murderer, or one of the eleven television series about the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, you must be living under a rock or something! Since your brief foray into an AOL chat room for Wiccans in 1994 no longer makes you “dark,” here are some new true crime obsessions to latch onto before you become totally irrelevant:
The Underground Alien War in Dulce
Illuminati! Say, that’s a buzzword millennials at your office seem to be using. Well, what’s more Illuminati than humans mixing it up with aliens? That is exactly what’s going on miles underground in New Mexico. Bring this under-the-radar crime story up a lot and you’ll be fitting in in no time!
At offices, weddings, or even the grocery store, it’s safe to assume that people will love you if you name-drop the cult that helmed The Tokyo Subway Sarin Attack. Say something like, “I’m so glad there’s no Sarin gas in here,” and shake your head with a knowing grin as friends gather around you to hear more.
No one wants to see cute cat videos anymore, unless it is found footage of a cut cat being torn asunder by a drought-crazed coyote. If you have that, go ahead, and put that shit on blast—you’ll be a magnet for coworkers looking for new, stable people to get lunch with.
Don’t be the only mom on the playground without a haunted look in her eyes. Bring up Munchausen syndrome by proxy with an offhanded comment about this former mother of 7 who lost a whole bunch of kids to “SIDS.” Now the other moms will trust you and will totally add you to the email chain for the private baby music class on Wednesdays at 3:30.
Don’t let this national conversation fall victim to the patriarchy. Fortify your relationships with women by bringing up female serial killer Elizabeth Bathory! Remember: it’s never too early to tell our daughters that they too can have strong female serial killers they obsess over. People will trust and include you!!
Remember, if you are caught in a jam and want to fit in, just bring up one of these true crime obsessions and you’ll be instantly endeared to them. Your intensity and love of real life violence will be appreciated—and if it’s not, you can just kill them. Now that’s ride or die!