True crime podcasts are soaring in popularity: They’re dark, addictive and let listeners in on solving grisly mysteries. Here are five of our favorite true crime podcasts that take listeners along for a heck of a ride, but don’t even come close to solving the biggest mystery of all: why your dad removed you from the Verizon Family Plan without even so much as a warning text.
In The Dark
In The Dark is all about the murder of 11-year-old Jacob Wetterling. It goes deep into the mystery but unfortunately barely touches on why a 56-year-old man removed his daughter from the family plan despite her specifically saying she’s confused by bills. And if you’re hoping that In The Dark explains why your dad pulled you from something he once swore was “cheaper if everyone’s on it,” you’re out of luck. In The Dark focuses pretty exclusively on the murder of a young boy.
Unlike most podcasts, Serial doesn’t tell you who’s guilty. But you’ve already made up your mind: a dad who texts you grainy photos of the tilapia he burned, yet sends no such correspondence about something that actually impacts your life, is guilty of a truly heinous crime. You don’t need Sarah Koenig to tell you that what your dad did is worse than murdering you, since dead people don’t have to pay their bills. Unfortunately, Sarah Koenig won’t mention a word of what happened to you on Serial.
My Favorite Murder
My Favorite Murder is all about laughing in the face of fear. Here’s something you can’t laugh at: the fact that you’re pretty fucking sure your dad didn’t remove your little sister from the family plan, even though you know she uses, like, 99 percent of her cellular data to send nudes to her Adderall dealer boyfriend. But enough about them. You’re here to figure out why your dad removed you from the family plan. Unfortunately, the My Favorite Murder co-hosts don’t know who you are.
Casefile covers murders through eyewitness accounts. Speaking of eyewitnesses: where was your mom during this? Did she forget to remind dad that you’re not the Queen of Sheba, sitting atop a gilded throne and admiring your ruby collection? The best mysteries are full of unanswerable questions, but Casefile doesn’t have anything to do this one. Mostly, it focuses on murders.
Dirty John is an award-winning podcast that examines the life of a serial predator. It won’t shed any light on why your dad yanked you from the family plan like he was tearing a piglet away from the sow’s life-giving teat. The riveting story of this terrible man will keep you listening, but will do nothing to explain why you now have to pay your own fucking cell phone bill.
Well, there you have it. We sincerely hope you enjoy these true crime podcasts, even though they’ll shed absolutely no light on your father’s atrocities. Be sure to listen over WiFi!