Help! I Got a Bidet and Now I’m Addicted to Having a Wet Ass
Is there perhaps a more socially appropriate way to enjoy my wet ass? Please email me.
My Favorite Disney Princess is Kelly Ripa, And Yes That Counts Because Disney Owns ABC
She has the best prince, Prince Mark Consuelos.
Why I Stopped Dressing for Men and Started Dressing for my Coworkers’ Teenage Kids Who May See me Over Zoom
Zoomers yell at you, “That fit’s flame!”
Yes, Shakespeare Wrote ‘King Lear’ During Quarantine, But He Didn’t Have the Means to Rewatch ‘Gilmore Girls’
I think things would have been very different if he had the chance.
I’m in a Throuple Because Our Fourth Left to Go to Some Chocolate Factory With His Grandson
I mean, we all like chocolate, right? But that’s neither here nor there.
How I Made Peace with my Body by Realizing I Can Always Change it Later
Till then, why bother stressing it?
How I Explore the Duality of Man by Being a Bitch Sometimes and Then Other Times Not
The key is balance.
I Listened to Jazz and Now My Period Cycle is Unpredictable and Largely Improvised
My own period is sort of the 13-minute jazz song of menstrual cycles.
Yes, I Put My Hand on My Boyfriend’s Chest in Photos, Because That’s Where His Penis is Located
Ethan has a penis on his chest.
Why I’m Waiting Until the Third Date to Make My Sims WooHoo
Meaningless WooHoo after meaningless WooHoo will only leave your Sims depleted of Energy
How I Learned to Love My Tooth Gap by Pretending It’s a Vacation Destination for The Borrowers
The hospitality in my tooth gap is next level.
Why I’m Done Answering Questions About My Lower Back Tattoo That Says ‘Loading Zone’
Getting slammed from behind is integral to who I am.
Why I Refuse to See Other Women as Competition, Unless They Have the Same Name as Me
I’m making the conscious decision to let go of all this competitive nonsense unless it’s with a woman that is also named Gabrielle.
Why I Decided to Collage all My Nudes Into a Mosaic That Looks Like a Bigger Nude from Far Away
I have reached never-before-seen levels of nude creativity and quantity.
Why I Support the USPS Even Though My Lake House Has a Magic Mailbox
This is kind of a “me” thing, so take it with a grain of salt when determining public policy.
Why I’m Leaving an Unaffordable City for an Unaffordable Suburb
The stuff at the Target and Starbucks here strangely costs the same?
I Thought I Was the Main Character in My Life. Then I Realized I’m Mallory From ‘The Baby-sitters Club’.
I’m the Mallory of my own existence.