After an exhaustive investigation spanning several months, the Cuyahoga County Prosecutor’s office confirmed that payroll specialist Lorraine Bresnihan-Cole has told over 90% of the area’s population that they are “the best.” This flagrant use of superlatives has artificially inflated the self-worth of citizens throughout the Cleveland area.
The 39-page report lists all victims of Bresnihan-Cole’s hyperbolic gratitude, including her friends, family members, coworkers, acquaintances, former college roommates, interns, bank tellers, baristas, sandwich artists, physicians, Twitter followers, neighbors, weed dealers and LinkedIn connections.
“This egregious overestimation of people’s goodness has no place in our city,” said country prosecutor Timothy McGinty this morning. “No more will Lorraine Bresnihan-Cole confuse the egos of this Au Bon Pain’s afternoon shift.”
“All I did was hand her her change and receipt, and the told me I was the best,” said 28-year-old Grace Williams, the eatery’s afternoon shift manager. “It’s just like, really though? For selling you a $2 banana, I’m the best?”
“I posted a picture of me and my fiancé in a pumpkin patch,” said Lisa Strauss, Bresnihan-Cole’s college residential advisor. “It wasn’t even a good picture, but apparently she felt the need to comment with ‘OMG, you are/this is the best!’” Strauss looked down lost in thought. “I mean, was I the best, was ‘this’ the best, or is she just trying to cover all the bases?”
“She emailed me an expense report that was way overdue,” said Brian Ross, her company’s least-impressive intern. “But she still closed her email by telling me I was the most good person out of all the persons.” He shrugged and said, “It’s the thought that counts, I guess.”
According to the report, Bresnihan-Cole’s young nieces and nephews have also been misled on several occasions. “They already think they’re better than literally everyone,” said brother Dale Cole. “Now I gotta remind them that they can’t even wipe their own asses, much less be ‘the best’ at anything yet. How do you explain something like that to your kids?”
Bresnihan-Cole’s three cats, two parakeets, German Shepherd mix, and Holland lop rabbit all exhibited signs of thinking they were better than everyone.
“It’s sick,” said an anonymous law enforcement source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “She’d tell a chair it was the best for letting her sit in it. This is a person with no regard for what words mean.”
“It really weighed on everyone,” he continued, of the people involved in the investigation. “I’d just go home every night, tuck my kids into bed, and tell them they were okay.”
When reached for comment, Bresnihan-Cole told reporters, “You all are the best!”