Early Sunday afternoon, Horace and Edna Foote celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary, marking the ninth consecutive family event where Cousin Janet has worn her gray wool fedora.
“Actions speak louder than words,” Janet’s mother said. “And while she’s said nothing about it specifically, the message is clear: ‘I’m gonna keep on wearing this hat.’”
Cousin Janet arrived at the Hilton wearing a cream-colored, ankle-length skirt, purple Doc Martins, an untucked peasant blouse, and the gray fedora. Sources say she entered “surprisingly confidently,” swinging her Invader Zim messenger bag, and whistling.
“Before the fedora, she was still really weird to be around,” cousin Clarice explained. “Now with the fedora, she doesn’t even have to open her mouth and you already know she’s weird. It’s like a fucking banner.”
Facebook photos confirm that Cousin Janet wears the fedora to restaurants, weddings, work, and casually around the house. Rumors are circulating that Cousin Janet’s weird boyfriend, Patch, owns and wears an identical hat, which is, according to an anonymous source, “even fucking weirder.”
“Let’s entertain the thought that this is a mildly okay hat for even one minute,” says Janet’s sister, Ann. “Even then, it’s like, why are you wearing this hat to everything? And why for all seasons? It’s a wool fedora.”
Aunt Carol’s upcoming memorial service has tensions raised to a fever pitch. “I swear to God,” says Cousin Brian. “If she wears that hat to our mother’s ash scattering ceremony, I’m gonna grab it off her head and I’m gonna burn it.”
When asked to comment, Cousin Janet pointed to her fedora, said “This old thing? I just found it on layaway at Hot Topic” and then excused herself to get another Diet Dr. Pepper.