‘I’m So Clumsy,’ Says Woman Falling Into Abyss

After accidentally tripping over a small rock and tumbling deep into the boundless abyss, Martha Deech was heard saying, “Oops! I’m soooo clumsy!” as she fell into the void.


“I’m such a klutz!” says Deech, still falling into infinite darkness. “This is just typical me. I’m always adorably tripping or putting myself in grave danger.”


Friends of Deech, formerly of Cincinnati, but currently residing in unfathomable endlessness, say this is not an abnormal occurrence.


“She’s always tripping on small children, dropping her phone, or whacking her head on poles,” says her best friend, Anna McCarthy. “She thinks it’s a charming little personality quirk, but it’s actually really unsafe to even walk near an abyss like that.”



“I’m starting to worry about her,” shares Deech’s long-time boyfriend, Shawn Taggart. “It was kind of endearing when she would fall into sets of knives that were inexplicably stored pointy-side up, but I don’t know how she’s going to come back from this one. Can someone help her return from whence she came?”


Last year alone, Deech stubbed the same toe 19 times in a single day, tripped while seated in a car, set fire to her hair, set fire to the wig she was using after she set fire to her hair, and fell down a waterfall. But she chalks all this up to charming clumsiness.


“It was so cute when I would tumble as a little baby,” she says. “And it’s even cuter now that I’m a grown-up tumbling into deep, immeasurable space, right? Oh, ouchie! I know I’m spiraling in a vacuum, but I still managed to trip on something just now. I’m so clumsy!”


At press time, it is still unclear whether Deech will be somehow rescued from the void and return to a life of casually harming herself and others.