Are you grappling with your life’s meaning? Struggling to find something to identify with, even if it’s an inanimate object? Why not instead pick out a belt from the decade-old HBO series Sex and the City to be an all-encompassing representation of your self-image? It’ll feel great. Or at least better than the meaninglessness. Here are some belts!
1. The Brown Pullback Control-Freak Belt
No detail is too minor for you to scrutinize. You graduated college in two-and-a-half years with a degree in Economics and a minor in Russian Literature. You appear strong and unflappable while very gradually cracking on the inside, just like this wide pullback leather belt worn by Miranda in the first SATC movie. It feels better to label it, right?
2. The Apathetic Chain Metal Belt
You spend your days lethargically gliding around, thanks to a cocktail of Prozac and a secret trust fund. Your unemployment checks go right to your seemingly endless caftan collection. In life, no problem is small enough for you to talk about tackling. You’re just like this loop-chain metal belt with stay-up clasp that Carrie wore with a bland sundress in Season 5. Now, feel a little less helpless, knowing this is the belt that represents who you are.
3. The Yellow Kingpin Belt
You’re brash. You’re tough. You live in a world of stubborn delusion, unwilling to bend to society’s expectations of taste and acceptability. You’re totes Samantha’s yellow belt with woven metallic detail, because you’re flashy and attention-grabbing in a way that makes most people uncomfortable. Never apologize for being this belt.
4. The Dazed And Confused Belt
You bounce around the stratosphere, subsisting on favors that you’ll never repay and complimentary bar peanuts to maintain your unproductive lifestyle. In college, you majored in “Keepin’ It Real,” which is to say you didn’t attend classes or graduate with a degree. You manage to look sort of good while serving absolutely no purpose. Like this belt from Sex and the City’s Season 3, you stand out for all the wrong reasons.
5. The Over-compensator Belt
You prioritize quantity over quality. You have four kids and they’re all named after members of the Bush family. You lease a different car every week to pick up George, Herbert, Walker, and George from school. When you don’t know which belt to wear, you wear all of the belts—just like Miranda did in the memorable episode, “The Post-It Always Sticks Twice.”
6. The Clandestine Belt
You’re four months pregnant, and you don’t want anyone to know yet. Why else would you be glitzed up like this distractingly shiny butterfly belt from Episode 46?
7. The Insignificant
You take “meek” to unprecedented levels. You’re not even the one in the corner of the bar; you’re hiding in the kitchen after paying off a barback to let you huddle silently all night. Why are you even going to bars in the first place? You’re just like Charlotte’s narrow silver belt from SATC Season 2, except that belt has probably been in more photos than you ever will.
No matter how dark your life is right now, know that there’s something out there for you to desperately grasp onto in a search for self-importance. And in your state, it may as well be a belt from Sex and the City.