In a classic dilemma emerging from a bedroom in Dallas, TX, 26-year-old Hannah Marten knows her shirt is not dirty enough for the laundry, but also not clean enough for the closet, so she’s settled on the only reasonable middle ground – still just putting it back in the closet.
Sources confirm Hannah wore the graphic tee for most of today but didn’t sweat much and changed out of it as she moved to her dinner plans, meaning the shirt is – by some metrics – completely clean. By others, however, it has been used and should therefore be washed.
“It’s just annoying to have to wash it when it smells fine, but I know there’s something kind of gross about just putting it back,” she told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was moving the shirt from hand to hand trying to decide. “I guess I’ll just compromise and put it back with all my other clothes like nothing has happened.”
Hannah’s reliance on this system of putting her worn shirts back until they’re visibly dirty has resulted in a toxic cycle wherein she never really knows which shirts are clean.
“I remember wearing this one last week,” she continued, holding up a plain black tee. “And maybe the week before? I can’t remember if I’ve worn it once or twice, but I’ve definitely worn it. If I’ve worn it twice already, that’s gross. But if I haven’t, I can definitely get one more use out of it.”
Completely torn, Hannah decided the safe thing to do was just to wear it again.
“What she needs is one of those secondary hampers where you can throw clothes you’ve worn that aren’t yet dirty,” said Hannah’s roommate, Edie Carmen. “Luckily, I gave her one of those last Christmas. She has simply opted not to use it.”
Sources confirm that Hannah has been doing this for weeks, so it’s pretty safe to assume every article of clothing in her closet has been worn at least once.
“I wear every piece of clothing I own at least three times before washing it,” Hannah continued. “It’s just good business!”
Reporters found this kind of gross and said as much, but Hannah was too busy sniffing the armpits of her next chosen shirt.
“This one smells bad in, like, a dusty way, but not a worn way,” she mused. She then shrugged and put it on anyway.
