How to Clean Your Home So Well It Feels Like You Don’t Deserve to Live There

So, it’s been five weeks since you last deep cleaned your apartment, and you just noticed that your empty cantaloupe container has served as a better fly trap than the trap you made with household ingredients. It’s time to clean! No, it’s time to get so into cleaning that you lose yourself entirely, overcome with the urge to dust and wipe and sweep. Here’s how you can clean your home so well it feels like you don’t even deserve to live there. 


Start with a house-wide vacuum.

The first step to making your living space so clean that you walk in the next day and assume you’re trespassing on someone else’s property is to vacuum the whole thing. Pick up crumbs, lint, and the loose quarter you’ve been kicking around the floor for weeks. In just 20 short minutes, your apartment will be unrecognizable in a scary way!


Pick your clothes up off the floor.

You’re coming out of a minor depressive episode, and it’s time your home looked like it! Take some time to pick up and fold every piece of clothing you’ve been haplessly throwing around your room for the past five weeks. Do this right, and the next time you walk into your room, you won’t actually be able to find anything! In fact, the space will feel so unfamiliar to you that you’ll convince yourself you must tiptoe around your own space, lest you dirty it with your presence!


Take a magic eraser to the bathroom and kitchen.

Now that you’ve done all the basic things, it’s time to completely throw yourself into cleaning every single crevice in this entire place. Get the bathroom so spotless that it kind of throws you off. Get the kitchen counter so clean you’re afraid to cut anything. Make your home an unfamiliar, sterile wasteland – it’ll feel amazing!



When you’re done, don’t touch anything.

Now that you’ve erased every trace of human existence from your home, don’t touch a fucking thing. This isn’t your home anymore. It’s a museum. Every dirty cup is a disgrace, and every scuffed floorboard is a sin. Sit on the couch with your hands in your goddamn lap. You don’t deserve to live here. This is where a sane person lives. 


There you have it! Get to cleaning and you, too, can be a stranger in your home in no time! At least until you fuck it all up again, thank God.