Roommates in Deadlock Over Whose Turn It Is to Threaten Landlord

As rent day approaches, roommates Shelly Harmon and Dana Wright are once again engaged in a brutal deadlock over whose turn it is to do the unenviable task of threatening their landlord. 


“I threatened our landlord last month, okay?” Shelly told reporters gathered at the scene. “I sent the magazine cut-out letter to his house detailing the exact physical consequences he would face if he didn’t lower our rent, I anonymously called his landline then breathed into the phone when he picked up – the whole shebang. And frankly, Dana’s done jack shit.”


“Jack shit? She said I was doing jack shit?” Dana retorted upon hearing Shelly’s account of things. “I do everything around the house. I cook. I clean. I replace the paper products. I keep the plants alive. And on top of all that, I already lightly threatened our landlord last month to shave a few zeros off our utilities bill. So, no. It’s her turn to threaten him about our rent.” 


Sources confirm that this sort of argument ensues every month, as neither of the two friends – who both work in marketing – want to get their hands dirty and “punch a bitch,” as Dana describes.


“It’s stuff like this that just makes her so hard to live with,” Dana huffed. “Just pull your weight! It’s not that hard! Wave a gun around a little!”


A few neighbors say the two could be heard shouting late into the night, but no one wanted to call the cops, as they all live deep in Dana and Shelly’s pockets. 


Upon being reached for comment, Dana and Shelly’s landlord, Michael Parks, said, “Wait, you found them? The people who have been threatening me? You have to report them. Please! HELP!” 


Reporters didn’t do that, though, as snitches get stitches and they appreciate the principle of the whole thing. 



“Making a living in New York City as a freelance graphic designer is brutal,” Shelly continued, smoking a cigarette from the fire escape of her fifth story walk-up. “This city is all about getting your hands dirty and doing what needs to be done. I’m talking about committing a crime. A crime no one asked me to commit, but a crime I will commit every month nonetheless.”


At press time, Dana and Shelly agreed to a compromise where they both threaten the landlord together, one of them sending a brick through his window and the other screaming menacingly outside. The plan worked, and they were given a $50 rent decrease. Nice work, ladies!