Report: Everyone From Your High School Has a Kid Named Jayden Now

A recent study out of Princeton University has confirmed what many have long suspected; Everyone you went to high school with now has a kid named Jayden.


“Even though we had a hunch, we were shocked by the outcome of our study,” said Paige Li, a researcher. “But we surveyed the people you went to high school extensively, adjusting for error, and the results are clear: each and every one of them is the proud parent of a school-aged child or toddler who they named Jayden.”


The research, conducted over three years and involving the raw data from more than 10,000 high school rosters, shows that the popular and the unpopular kids you went to school with are equally represented per capita in the pool of people from your high school who have at least one child named Jayden.


“The cheerleaders, the theater kids, even the AV club freaks – they’ve all gone and spawned a generation of Jaydens,” said Dr. Paul Kester. “It’s something we’ve never witnessed before.”


The study also indicates that the children being born to every single one of your former classmates are given the name Jayden irrespective of their gender.


“While our research shows that girls are more often being named ‘Jaydenne’,” said Paige Li, “There is no difference between the frequency of literally every person who was enrolled at your high school for any length of time while you attended naming their kid Jayden whether it’s a boy or a girl.”


“Not since the great Madison influx of 1998 has a whole graduating class named their child the same thing,” she added. “It’s truly remarkable.”


Your high school classmates are shocked by the results of the study.


“I thought I was being original,” said Ashley Minnes, who was one year below you. “But whenever I call out for my Jayden at daycare, like ten more Jayden’s walk over to me. And all the cars in the parking lot have a bumper sticker celebrating their honor student Jayden. Literally all of them”



“I heard the name Jayden somewhere while I was pregnant,” added Chloe Mattinson. “I thought it was so unique! Now my son brings home the wrong embroidered LL Bean backpack from 1st grade every day. I was wrong. We’re gonna name our next kid Michael. Or Steve. No one names their kid Steve anymore.”


The think tank has now moved on to conducting an analysis of all the women in your yoga class with babies named Grayson.