Woman Swears She Would Be Good at Pole Dancing if She Had More Upper Body Strength, Energy, Discipline, Self Confidence, and Will

29-year-old Jillian Mahannah is pretty satisfied with her life. However, she’s always had an inkling that she could be wasting her potential as an amazing pole dancer, even though she doesn’t have any of the qualities needed to be one.


“Once I saw FKA Twigs’s music video ‘Cellophane,’ I knew that I could probably do what she did one day, y’know, if I just really put my back into it,” Jillian told reporters. “And also, if my arms and chest were stronger, I had more self-discipline, more energy, believed in myself more, and could also motivate myself to do it regularly. If all that were true, then I would be unstoppable!”


When asked about this statement, a few longtime pole dancers noted that it’s nearly impossible to be a great performer without having all those traits, primarily because they are what allows someone to pole dance in the first place.


“Ever since that music video came out, it seems like everyone wants to become a pole dancer now, which is great!” said Octavia Givens, who has been a professional pole dancer for over 20 years. “But I don’t think people realize that pole dancing takes a lot of hard work and commitment. You can’t just hop on the pole and be as great as an alternative R&B British singer-slash-dancer without any training involved.”


While Jillian regularly signs up for her very first pole dancing class, only to end up canceling it every time, she still stands strong in her belief that the art of pole is made for her.


“I have so many ideas about how my routines would go and what kind of music I’d play,” Jillian said. “It’s just that I live pretty far away from most classes and installing a pole in my apartment would kind of mess up the whole vibe I’ve already curated.”


“But mark my words,” she added. “When I get more upper body strength, energy, discipline, self-confidence, and will, I’ll be the best pole dancer in the whole wide world!”


As of press time, Jillian has still yet to attend a single pole dancing class, but she has made some pole-dancing-related purchases.



“I obviously have to dress for the hobby I want,” she told reporters. “Which is why I finally splurged on a pair of seven-inch platform Pleaser heels!”


Sources close to Jillian confirmed that she has lost interest in pole dancing altogether after completing this purchase, as these heels were what she truly wanted all along.