There’s been a lot of talk lately about Biden’s ridiculous plan to raise the minimum wage to $15 an hour. Like most of my fellow citizens (take my word on this), I see this proposal as the foolish, impractical, and frankly reckless mockery of the American way of life that it is. After all, if the minimum wage becomes a honking $15 per hour, what’s to stop my kid from getting a job at a McDonald’s, making more money than me, and becoming MY dad?
In Biden’s cushy, communist, working-full-time-to-make-just-over-30k-a-year-before-taxes dystopia, why would anyone have goals or ambitions to move up in society? My kid has always dreamed of going to school to study architecture, but I’m pretty sure if he got a minimum wage job to pay for college and it paid FIFTEEN dollars an hour, he would be quickly seduced by the luxurious lifestyle, decide to stay there forever, make more money than his old man, then suddenly become his old man’s old man and make me wash his car for one buck like I used to make him do all those years. Please don’t make me wash the car; it’s so cold outside. Don’t make me beg, father…. is what I would say in the hellscape of an almost living wage.
Antifa may argue that raising the minimum wage won’t spike the prices of previously affordable goods like fast food because those corporations are already turning a huge profit off the exploited labor of their hourly employees and that the same arguments against raising the minimum wage made now were historically made against child labor and overtime labor laws. But how exactly are any of those points going to help me when my own kid, the fruit of my loins, comes bursting through the front door, asks me if I’ve washed the car, then orders me to bed without supper? What exactly then, Kamala?
As you can see, raising the minimum wage will corrupt our nation’s children and turn them into gluttonous, morally wicked kid dads who love clean cars, making us try Brussels sprouts, and telling us to watch less Fox News because it’s “rotting” our brains (my kid actually already tells me this, and he isn’t even making $15/hour yet — just imagine what’s to come). So please join me in loudly complaining about the plan to raise the minimum wage to no one in particular — it’s what our kids deserve. I myself will be trying to enjoy semi-retirement while fighting off the creeping fear that my son will soon become my strict dad. God bless America!