Help! I Tried Detox Tea And Now I’m Flat Stanley

flat stanley

If you’ve ever felt curious about those detox teas influencers are always promoting, then you’re not alone. I myself was skeptical of these supposedly slimming tea mixes, but I thought, hey, “detoxing” is healthy, so if I can rid my body of toxins and drop an inch off my waist, why not? But that’s where I was wrong.


I tried detox tea just once, and now I’m Flat Stanley. Please help me.


I purchased a detox tea that promised to “cleanse my organs” which sounds scary enough, but the reality was even scarier. I first sensed the tea was working when I began shitting my brains out, which, if I understand correctly, is basically the whole point. But the detox didn’t stop there: Once my digestive tract was clear and all the liquid was drained from my body, I tried to stand up from the toilet and immediately keeled right over. I thought I might be lightheaded from having no nutrients left inside of me, but it turned out my lack of balance was the result of being completely 2D.


That’s right: Detox tea transformed me into beloved children’s book subject Flat Stanley, and now I mostly rely on the wind to blow me from place to place. It is not a good system!



I guess if I had to say whether or not detox tea “works”, the answer would be yes, but at what cost? All the squats I’ve been doing for the last six months seem to have been a waste of time given that I’m now flat as a bookmark. Seriously, my boyfriend keeps using me as a bookmark and it’s, like, kind of cute but mostly annoying. And I guess it’s cool that I can travel by mail but is that even safe right now?!


This whole thing is just really frustrating, so if you have any tips that don’t involve a bicycle pump I would be grateful.


I thought detox tea would turn me into a tiny tummy wellness goddess, but it really just turned me into a Flat Stanley. Maybe the only toxicity inside me was my internalized conflation of patriarchal beauty standards with health…Okay fine, I only said that because I thought for second maybe this was some sort of feminist curse and having that “realization” would cure me, but it didn’t work. PLEASE HELP!