REPORT: Looks Like Grandma’s Living Long Enough That You’re Gonna Have to Come Out to Her

Recent reports on your grandmother’s good health and vivacity indicate that you will probably have to bite the bullet and come out to her before she dies.


“At age 93, Mrs. Cantor is in good health and sound of mind,” says your grandma’s physician, Dr. Ifeoma Lawal. “She has some hearing loss, but is mobile, engaged, and shows no signs of illness.”


So basically, you’re gonna have to come out to your grandma and you’re gonna have to do it loud enough so she can hear.


“I have mixed feelings about this news,” you say. “Of course, I love my grandma, and I’m so happy she’s healthy. I never want her to die.”


“But also, 93? That’s so old,” you add. “I definitely didn’t think I was gonna have to have this conversation, if I’m being honest.”


While you never made any effort to come out to your grandma about your queer sexuality and never planned to, you certainly didn’t come out to her as trans, and sort of thought she would pass peacefully on before things came to a head.


“I was on hormones for a full year without my grandma commenting on it,” you say. “It could be because her vision and hearing aren’t what they once were, but it could also just be because she’s a WASP.”


“Anyway, it’s getting to a point where I really feel like I owe both of us a thoughtful explanation, so that she can have the opportunity to see me for who I am and we can know each other more authentically,” you add. “Also I’m having surgery soon and it’s like, she’s gonna notice eventually, right? I really can’t believe she’s still truckin’.”



But while you will soon be on bed rest rewatching bad TV, Grandma is still taking daily walks and doing the daily Times crossword puzzle in a flagrant reminder that she will live forever and you must explain your gender identity to her.


“I’m so, so lucky to have such a long-lived grandmother,” you say. “And I’m definitely going to come out to her this year. Or next year. Or maybe we’ll check back in a few and see how she’s holding up.”


At press time, your grandma was confidently taking some enormous vitamins.