REPORT: Freshly Cleaned Apartment Still Looks Like Shit

A new report emerging out of your living room confirms what your mom has already insinuated during every single one of her visits: in spite of just being deep-cleaned, your apartment still looks like total garbage.


The report conducted by one needlessly judgy plumber and his super bitchy apprentice shows that, yeah, your apartment might meet all the criteria for being “clean,” but, honey, it’s not a real treat to look at.


“Though freshly laundered, vacuumed, and fluffed, the couch still looked like absolute ass thanks to its permanent water stains, frayed stitching, and general shabbiness,” offered Tucker Stiles, a full-time plumber’s apprentice and part-time undercover interior design critic. “And don’t get me started on her choice of wall decor! Stylistically, unframed movie posters was already a dubious choice, but add in the fact that the featured movies were Goodfellas, The Dark Knight, and the 2013 Steve Jobs movie with Ashton Kutcher, and this decision is absolutely indefensible.”


This finding comes as uncalled-for news to you, who had simply been hoping to find out why your shower has been draining so slow. However, there are others who not only welcome the results of the study, but think they have been a long time coming.


“Finally! It’s about time somebody said something about this,” said your mom, who has actively been “saying something about this” for years through her lingering glances, pointed questions, and snarky comments. “I always thought her apartment was ill-furnished, poorly lit, and visually repugnant, but as her mother, I felt I had to temper my judgment a touch. It’s just nice to have research backing up my views now.”


Said “research” amounted to: the plumber whispering to his apprentice that the unconventional arrangement of your living room made the space feel closed off, the apprentice audibly muttering, “Good God, no headboard?” upon entering your bedroom, and the pair of them giggling and whispering behind their hands about your chosen window treatments.



“Scientifically speaking, her apartment is ugly as shit,” said Thomas Whitman, the lead plumber in charge of unclogging your drains and the lead wretch in charge of quietly judging the color scheme of your entryway. “Her baseboards may have been dust free, her floors swept and mopped, and her dishes cleaned and put away, but I still left that place feeling dirty. And it had nothing to do with snaking her shower drain, which was surprisingly clear. Still no idea why it’s not draining right.”


At press time, another study had corroborated the contents of the first report when a different plumber you hired to further inspect your shower had to leave immediately upon being subjected to your apartment’s harsh overhead lighting.


“Has she ever heard of ambient lighting? Her space was so abrasive and bright, I couldn’t even stand to be in there. I didn’t even get a chance to check out her shower drain situation.”