Despite the air of comfort you’re trying to give off, researchers at the University of South Florida have confirmed everyone around you can tell this is the first time you’re trying out this aesthetic, and buddy, it’s embarrassing.
“We’ve crunched all the available numbers, and the news isn’t good,” said Lead Researcher Vince Morrow. “Everyone knows. Literally everyone knows. Run.”
Sources confirmed you woke up this morning and decided to try not only your new, flamboyant shorts but also your new platform shoes, a “double new” look that is far too unfamiliar to your body. You decided to dub it “upscale teen,” but the second you walked outside, everyone could tell you felt weird in your body.
“It just doesn’t seem like they’ve ever worn platform shoes before,” one passerby whispered to reporters. “I can tell from their walk, but above all, I can tell from their eyes.”
Sources confirm you overheard this and then tried to change the way your eyes looked, which is literally impossible.
“Did someone already say the thing about the eyes?” another passerby added. “Yeah, it’s super obvious that they’re uncomfortable with how hard they’re ‘trying’ today and hoping no one is going to notice. But it’s tough. Because we absolutely notice.”
Sources confirmed anyone who says you’re “pulling it off seamlessly” is lying to your goddamn face.
“By the time I realized it was maybe too much, it was too late for me to turn around and change,” you plead with reporters from inside a coffee shop, where you were hiding from the prying eyes that see right through you. “I’m just hoping these strangers can’t tell that the pants are riding up my butt.”
“The pants are totally riding up their butt,” said a child scootering past.
“Is that the ‘upscale teen’ look?” a passing elderly woman asked. “Aw, sweetie, stick to what you know.”
Sources confirmed she was being tough but fair.
“We showed photos of this person to a sample group of about 50 people,” Dr. Morrow continued. “And 100% of them thought they were really letting the outfit wear them instead of the other way around. It’s a shame.”
At press time, you got home, took off the shorts and shoes, shoved them in the back of your closet, and vowed never to try anything new again. Everyone agrees this is probably for the best.
