How to Make Coffee at Home Even Though It Lacks a Certain Je Nais Sais Quoi

So, you’re trying to save money, which is a nearly impossible feat in today’s economy. You’ve got to cut out all your earthly pleasures, all your heavenly pleasures, and then some. Yes, shifting your lifestyle is going to suck, but we actually couldn’t come up with a counterpoint. Here’s how you can make coffee at home even though it lacks a certain je nais sais quoi that café coffee inherently possesses.


Buy quality beans, we guess?

Just because you have to forgo buying $7 lattes from a hot barista, that doesn’t mean you have to consume disgusting slop. Buy yourself some quality beans, and you’ll manage to get closer to the certain je nais sais quoi that makes café coffee so good. You won’t manage to get all the way there, of course: The feeling of walking into a cafe with minimalist furniture and a bare cement floor and asking for a fancy drink you absolutely cannot afford is irreplicable. There’s just something about it… 


Spritz your beans before grinding.

While this sounds like a euphemism for something more fun, it just means you should spray your coffee beans with a little bit of water before grinding them! Apparently, this reduces the static conduction or whatever. Who knows? Let’s be honest, it’s still going to taste different. You can do everything right, and it still won’t come close to whatever the fuck the tatted 23-year-old from Oberlin is doing down the street. 


Maybe try a ChemEx? 

Maybe the problem is that you’re trying to imitate coffee shop coffee rather than experimenting with the form and doing something completely your own, like using a ChemEx! At least this way you won’t be able to compare your current coffee to the delicious, musky blend that lights up your mornings and fills the room with a warm glow. Do you think the coffee shop is open right now? Should you go check? 



Take caffeine pills. 

On second thought, it’s so upsetting that you won’t be able to capture the certain je nais sais quoi of coffee shop coffee that it’s not worth trying at all. Pop a caffeine pill and go about your goddamn day. Brewing your own coffee isn’t worth the disappointment. Sometimes, if you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all! 


If you’re trying to make coffee at home, might as well just stop right there! Enjoy withdrawals, buddy!