In a regretful story out of Chicago, IL, 26-year-old Lucy Wagner has been making a material effort to be more present in her life, effectively robbing herself of countless enriching online experiences.
“I visited my parents last weekend and didn’t check my social media for, like, 48 hours,” she told reporters. “Do you know how many loose acquaintances’ Instagram stories I missed? Probably at least 12. I’ll never get that back. How am I supposed to know if Ari from college is in Montauk now?”
Lucy says the whole experience has left her feeling empty, and like she’s “missing out on a vital part of life.”
“I could’ve been fighting with strangers on Twitter,” Lucy ruefully told reporters. “But, no, I was having a long, insightful conversation with my mom about how she finally came to terms with her own mortality. Boring!”
Sources confirm that Lucy has been engaging more in her real life, trying to stay as grounded in the present moment as possible.
“Last I heard, she’s taken up yoga and meditation to try and get more in touch with her body and emotions,” said Lucy’s roommate, Thea. “I feel bad for her, honestly. Doesn’t she know she could be watching YouTube videos and commenting things like ‘who’s watching this in 2023?’ I don’t know, it just sucks to watch someone throw their life away like that.”
“I just feel like I’ve been missing out on so many of life’s precious moments recently,” Lucy agreed. “Like watching 100 mediocre TikToks in a row or reading Reddit threads about who’s the asshole. I have no concept of who is or isn’t the asshole now!”
Witnesses report that Lucy spent her weekend reading, catching up with a close friend over coffee, and trying her hand at growing her own herbs.
“What a complete and utter waste of time!” Lucy said. “I feel like a total idiot. What’s happening online is more important than anything I could spend my time doing in real life. I know that now.”
At press time, Lucy had vowed never to make this mistake again, determined to re-prioritize technology in her life. She told her nieces to stop asking her to visit, and re-doubled her efforts to watch every single Instagram story ever posted.