Sometimes, I find joy in seeing how the other half lives. I’ll intermittently splurge on expensive products, use them for one week, then laugh at how silly it is that people buy this stuff all the time. After all, most skincare products beyond the basics are overpriced and ineffective! Just schemes to get the ultra-wealthy to waste their money on anti-aging nonsense. That is how I felt, however, until last week, when I tried a sample of an $80 moisturizer from the depths of the Sephora catalog.
The unthinkable happened: the $80 moisturizer fucking worked.
No! Dear God, no! So now I’m going to have to create a new budget to afford this or risk my skin paying the price? Couldn’t it have just been a goddamn scam?
First of all, it smelled amazing, and the second it touched my skin, the combination cooling-soothing effect basically put me to sleep. My face skin – which is what I call it – had never felt better, and as a result of the amazing sleep I got, the rest of my body felt amazing, too. Shut up! Stop that!
The creme promised to “reverse the effects of living in a pollution-addled world” and “turn back the clock to your skin’s heyday,” which sounded like a bunch of bullshit until it literally did. Why does my skin feel like I’ve never laid eyes on a gas-powered vehicle in my goddamn life? Why do my forehead wrinkles appear to have been rolled away like creases in dough?
Science is doing something here, and whatever it’s doing is against God’s wishes.
Now, this might sound like a good thing, but it is, in fact, heinous. You’re telling me I have to reorganize my life to save money for this now? You’re telling me if I ever have to stop using this cream, it’s going to feel like I’ve jumped forward in time and am rapidly aging like an evil witch? I’ve lived my entire life without this cream, and now I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life trying to accumulate the funds necessary to buy it.
I’m just a girl!
While I normally share every skincare trick with my friends, I think I’m going to have to keep this one to myself for their own sake. We can’t all decide it’s time to finally pursue a career in consulting in order to afford 100 mL of sweet ambrosia. I will take this secret to my grave, and if this cream has anything to say about it, by the time I get there, my skin will still look fantastic.