In a blatant act of favoritism, my boss called my coworker Dave a “rockstar” in spite of the fact that he has literally never shown up to work intoxicated, and I do so all the time.
Like, what the fuck? If I had known my boss would reward us for being so-called “rockstars,” I would’ve made my on-the-clock drinking habits even more obvious.
Dave has never even done drugs in the bathroom, either – some “rockstar”!
It just makes me wonder – what could he have possibly done to earn such a lauded title? Develop an in-depth strategy to bring in thousands of dollars in new revenue for the company? Yawn! I’ve slowly and systematically integrated vodka into my morning coffee in a way that is both indiscrete and alarming. Now, that’s rockstar shit.
Does Dave need an encore to encourage him to finish his work? No! Does Dave insist on taking long, drunken naps under his desk in the middle of the day? No! Do I do all those things and more? Absolutely I do. Consistently.
I don’t know, it just seems unfair.
Dave hasn’t even smashed a guitar on stage before. I mean, neither have I, but I did drop my Stanley water bottle on the table in the conference room once and it clanked really loud and spilled water everywhere, which is pretty much the same thing.
Not to mention that Dave isn’t even remotely interested in sleeping in a tour bus on the road and “doesn’t understand how that’s related to being a mid-level sales associate.” Can you believe this guy? Rockstar, my ass.
Plus, the one time I asked Dave if he wanted to play Rock Band with me, he just said “that’s not work appropriate” and “how did you bring that with you on the train?”
Not a very rock ‘n’ roll mentality, Dave.
Honestly, my boss’s classification of Dave as a “rockstar” and me as “an employee on probation” makes me wonder what this company’s definition of “rockstar” even is.
Like, what exactly do I have to do to become the undisputed rockstar at my company? Throw a fit and trash my cubicle? Fuck up the copy machine by accident? Drunkenly spill RumChata all over my work laptop? I’m willing to do whatever it takes to finally get my boss to see my true, head-banging potential! Besides do my actual job, that is.