A new study from the University of Berkeley has revealed that the number one motivator for getting up and going to work in the morning is to plan on quitting.
The study is the culmination of months of exhaustive research by a team of researchers attempting to identify motivational factors for adults in the workplace. The final results are clear: the best way to convince yourself to go to work is to convince yourself you’ll be quitting soon.
“Our studies show that everything gets a little easier when you decide that it doesn’t matter,” said one researcher. “We recommend it.”
The results of the study, while interesting, were not altogether surprising, according to the experts involved. Survey results indicated a significant increase in morale and enthusiasm in adults ages 25 to 50 after they mentally declared themselves “checked out” from their current job. Furthermore, the sooner the test subjects planned on quitting, the easier time they had getting out of bed in the morning.
“There’s a fascinating correlation between how eager people are to do something and how confident they are that they won’t be doing it forever,” said one scientist. “Our study shows nobody should plan on doing a thing they don’t enjoy forever. That tends to bum people out.”
Researchers found that the “sweet spot” for a projected resignation could be anywhere from 3 months in the future to a year. The crucial factor in keeping motivation high is that workers genuinely intend on not being at that place in the not-too-distant future.
“We’ve found a lot of employees suffer from lack of motivation in the workplace,” said one researcher, while gesturing towards some charts. “That malaise kind of goes away when you decide you won’t be there in 6 months. And 3 months? Forget about it. You’ll find yourself whistling while you work, just you watch.”
So what advice do the scientists have for employees feeling uninspired when the alarm clock rings in the morning?
“Decide to quit,” said the head researcher. “I’m sorry, have we not been clear?”
The results of the study have caused quite a stir in the business community, where management fears the sentiment will cause a lack of loyalty from employees. However, the results are in: Loyalty is bad for your brain.
“Oh, be as disloyal as possible,” said one scientist. “If you want to keep your spirits up, you should never not be planning on jumping ship. That’s just science.”