A new study out of the University of Oregon Sport Medicine Department has concluded that hovering over the toilet seat when you pee does count as anaerobic exercise and contributes quite substantially toward your daily fitness goals.
Finally, an acknowledgement of the pain we have all been forced to endure at the hands of a piss seat!
“We came to a disturbing finding that nearly no one was getting enough daily exercise,” said Lead Researcher Rita O’Hara. “But then we realized we’d forgotten to factor in the times you don’t want to put your butt on the seat, so you squat for about 45 seconds, or at least until your legs give out and you shift to stand-peeing. Turns out, everyone’s over-exercising! Cut it out!”
When pressed on what “stand-peeing” is, Rita said it’s the type of peeing where you’re not quite squatting, but you’re sort of still bending at the hips and making sure you don’t pee on the seat.
The study found that squatting to pee several times over the course of the day is the equivalent of bench pressing 150 pounds once and going for a five-minute run, while sitting to pee conversely takes years off of your life.
“When we’re talking about anaerobic, as opposed to aerobic, exercise,” Rita continued. “It’s all about short bursts of extremely intense activity, such as sprinting or weightlifting or, in this case, trying to aim while your calves are burning and someone’s knocking on the office bathroom door, yelling, ‘Hurry up, toots, I’m gonna blow!’”
The study found that the adrenaline rush – provided by the fear that one might hover too low and accidentally touch the seat or hover too high and piss all over one’s legs – adds another element to the exercise that burns even more energy.
“I always wondered why I got so hungry after peeing,” said local hover-pisser Desiree King. “Now, I realize it’s because I’ve been working up a sweat, really pushing my body to its limits, and anaerobic exercise like that requires fuel.”
“Every time I was hovering, I’d think, ‘Is this just as hard for everyone else? Or am I extremely out of shape?’” said startup CEO Rhea Sharma. “It’s nice to know that I’m not alone and that I can stop going to the gym now!”
At press time, researchers added that simply pooping – even pooping sitting down – also counts as exercise, especially if you take off your shirt! Hooray!
