So he always leaves the toilet seat up, and it takes all your strength not to march right into the bathroom immediately after he’s finished and slam that seat back down where it belongs. But the last time you tried that, he just shrugged and threw back another Miller High Life, resulting in more orange stains of his dehydrated urine sprinkled around the bathroom floor. He doesn’t care if he misses and he really doesn’t care if you live or die. When you feel like you’ve tried it all, here are a few more ways to talk to him about the toilet seat again:
After Giving Him a Gift
Surprise him with a jersey of his favorite football team, or that remote control helicopter he’s been eyeing. Tell him it’s for no reason at all, “just because.” He’ll be thrilled, and now you’ve created the perfect moment to bring up his bad urinary habits. He can’t get mad at you because you just encouraged some of the other aspects of his immaturity.
When He Gets a Promotion
The next time he comes home with great news from work, exclaim, “I knew they would eventually bump you to general manager! Now you can put the toilet seat down like a grownup!” Of course, this could take years to happen, so keep this as a last resort.
Make Flash Cards
They worked for your SAT prep, why not employ flash cards to help you get through to your thick-headed boyfriend? Suggest a game night, just the two of you, and bring out cards that read, “What do I do after I drain the dragon?” on the front and “Put the seat back down like a human being” on the back. Try and make it into a game, because that’s apparently the only thing he will respond to at this point.
Hold One of His Hands in Both of Yours
This is the most straightforward and riskiest tactic in this list. Hold one of his hands in both of yours, make eye contact, and tell him if he really loves you, when nature calls, he’ll put the toilet seat down after. Tell him how you fell in the toilet in the middle of the night, and that’s why your hands are still wet. Why would he want to have sex with a woman who fell in the toilet?
Ask His Mother to Talk to Him for You
Remember that when it all boils down to it, this is his mother’s fault. Make her right the wrongs of her child-rearing days by talking to your man about his bathroom etiquette on your behalf. When she’s done, he’ll be pissed at her for hounding him and you can continue thinking about what divorce must feel like.
If none of these tactics work, think twice before succumbing to the temptation to break it off with him. It’s better to live with a guy who can’t adhere to this basic rule of decency than to be alone with a kingless throne, but you still have a chance at saving him before you move into the guest bathroom.