So you’re queer and you’ve made a new friend at the local co-op – exciting! She keeps talking about her “girlfriend” but you can’t tell if she’s trying to come out to you as a fellow gay person, or is just so out of touch with the times that she genuinely thinks “girlfriend” means any friend who happens to be a woman. Use this quiz to find out if your new pal is a fellow queer that you’ve befriended, or if she just inherited her speaking style from her grandparents.
Has her girlfriend’s astrology chart come up in conversation?
A: Nope! You know nothing about her girlfriend’s planetary placement. Now that you think about it, you haven’t even seen your friend’s chart!
B: Yes, and you know her girlfriend is an Aries Sun, Libra Moon, and Sag Rising. How she and your friend are potentially dating is a mystery to you, since you know their charts are incompatible.
Where’s the last place she and her girlfriend went together?
A: The mall, to buy a new set of cufflinks for Keith. It’s his birthday soon. She’s only mentioned Keith once or twice, but you know he’s heavily invested in his fantasy football league.
B: Home Depot, but she called it Homo Depot. They were trying to repaint their shared living room after their cat, Lex, scratched up one of the walls.
Are she and her girlfriend in a book club together?
A: Yes, and they’re working their way through the complete works of Jodi Picoult. You’ve been invited but Jodi Picoult isn’t really your vibe.
B: Yes! They’re reading a book by bell hooks with some other co-op members. You’ve heard of the book club through the grapevine, but rumor has it that it’s a group of exes.
How short are her nails?
A: They’re perfectly manicured and quite long. Gotta admire her commitment to beauty.
B: They’re either evenly trimmed and short for utility purposes, or long with the middle two nails on one hand slightly shorter than the rest (also for utility purposes).
Results:
Mostly As: She’s probably not gay! It sounds like the relationship in question is composed of two very good “girl friends” and perhaps not two romantically involved “girlfriends.” Why she feels the need to refer to her friend as a “girlfriend” beats me, but that’s a question for Freud.
Mostly Bs: She’s probably gay! It sounds like she might even live with her girlfriend. This is exciting news. I wonder if she knows your ex? Maybe your ex is in her book club?? What if her girlfriend… is your ex??? Time to do some deep social media digging.
Some As, Some Bs: The jury is out on this one! Being queer isn’t a monolith and this quiz will only take you so far. For a real answer, ask her if she and her “girlfriend” want to rewatch Season 2 of The L Word with you this weekend. How she responds will be the true test.
