How to Not Bring Up Your Vagina When You Run Into Your Gynecologist at Whole Foods

Most of us have an uncomplicated relationship with our gynecologist. Sure you exchange annual pleasantries, but beyond that, you can’t really picture her life outside of stirrups and cervical specula. So it’s a complete shock when you’re at Whole Foods and you lock eyes with her across the olive bar. You hastily search for conversation starters, which is difficult considering your vagina is normally the main focus. Here’s how to engage in small talk with your gyno that doesn’t involve the one thing that brings you together:


Put Yourself in Her Shoes

If your job was rummaging through people’s middle holes all day, you probably wouldn’t be too enthusiastic about discussing them in your daily life. This is why you should keep it light and put her at ease. Although, during your last exam with no explanation she declared that your vagina ‘loops to the left’ halfway up. Regardless, remember you are in a public space and should stick to more conventional topics!


Focus on Your Surroundings

You’re in a store full of things. Find something, anything that is likely to strike up a casual discussion. Quickly scan the food in her cart and make up some shit about how you also love guac-kale-mole. When she’s going on about the benefits of leafy greens try not to think about how blasé she seemed when she discovered the hook in your honeypot. Should you just ask her about it real quick? No, no. She’s not on the clock.



Remind Yourself it Would be Weird to Talk About Your Vagina in This Context

It’s certainly not socially appropriate, but, if this curve in your crater is significant enough that it will affect the rest of your life, shouldn’t you have the right to know right now? Like why would she mention that during a routine exam without any follow up information? Are you supposed to just go on assuming tampons and dicks don’t fit inside of you in a standard way? Uh oh, she’s now staring at you in silence. This is when you know it’s time to wrap it up and say your goodbyes. No vagina talk!


It’s strange to think of your gyno having a regular life outside of her day job, but that’s the way of the world. It can be just as awkward for her as it is for you, so remember to keep the chatter breezy. But just in case this went south and you couldn’t resist bringing up your vagina, you can always Yelp new gynecologists in the checkout line.