In a developing story out of Alma Henderson’s bedroom, the mess the 28-year-old left behind while she was getting ready for a night out with friends has officially been categorized as a natural disaster.
“Is it really that bad?” Alma asked reporters after arriving at dinner no less than an hour later than she said she would. “I kind of blacked out when I was getting ready. I was in a clothing and makeup-fueled haze. Then I just shut the door and left it for future me to deal with.”
Sources say this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
“I’m just glad that someone’s finally doing something about this,” Alma’s roommate, Shay, told reporters. “This happens almost every time she goes out, and last time we couldn’t find my cat, Alvin, for over a week. Turns out he was trapped under the bed by every pair of shoes that Alma owns, plus several of mine.”
“I couldn’t decide which ones to wear,” was all Alma offered as justification for both her messiness and thievery.
According to experts, the devastation Alma caused by getting ready for dinner and drinks with her friends will take months, if not years, to fully repair.
“All of her shirts are out of their drawers and unfolded,” Marcia Nichols, a leading researcher on natural disasters at the University of Minnesota, told reporters. “That alone is a task that will require weeks of consistent work to remedy. Mostly because folding shirts sucks and nobody wants to do it.”
Shay stressed that they needed to do more than just categorize the occurrence as a natural disaster – they needed to do something about it.
“My family home got destroyed by a tornado when I was a child and I can honestly say I’ve never seen devastation on this level,” Shay said. “There were bras hanging from the ceiling fan, at least a hundred different pairs of pants lining the floor, the air was rendered nearly unbreathable by powder concealer and setting spray, and, for some reason, ‘Fuck’ was written on the mirror 17 times in what I’m pretty sure was Hailey Bieber’s Strawberry Glaze lip gloss.”
As of press time, the National Guard had been dispatched to Alma’s bedroom, said there was “nothing they could do,” and declared her bedroom an “exclusion zone” uninhabitable for at least the next 45 years.
All one haunted-looking soldier could muster up when reporters reached him for questioning was, “Chernobyl was nothing compared to this.”
