‘I Only Smoke When I’m Drunk,’ Says Woman Who Is Always Drunk

24-year-old New Jersey resident Samantha Judd was spotted smoking a cigarette outside a bar and is now reminding her friends that she “only smokes when I’m drunk,” which would be reassuring if she were not drunk all the time.


“We made this pact a few months back that we wouldn’t smoke cigarettes anymore,” said Samantha’s close friend, Niamh Newman. “But Sam made sure to add the caveat, ‘unless we’re drunk.’ At the time, it seemed like a fine rule, but now she’s literally always drunk.”


Sources confirm no person alive has seen Sam sober since the deal was struck. 


“It’s a super easy way to stay healthy,” Sam told reporters as she staggered along the sidewalk, cigarette in hand. “I’m cig-free most of the time, but I’m allowed to treat myself when I’m tipsy! And that’s what barance issall abow, yuno?”  


The 24-year-old then dropped her cigarette and chased it into the street, causing a four-car pile-up, but she fortunately saved the cig from going out. 


Niamh continued, “I think she might be getting drunk just so she can smoke cigarettes?”


“Yeah, she’s definitely getting drunk just so she can smoke cigarettes,” said Sam’s roommate, Riley Thomas. “I mean, writing a loophole into your anti-smoking pact isn’t exactly the mark of someone totally committed to sobriety.”


Scientists at the Mayo Clinic confirm this is not a rare phenomenon.


“We’re seeing a rise in young adults who consider themselves occasional social smokers, which would be great if they weren’t literally always being social,” said Dr. Kara Lee. “It’s like saying you’ll only watch TV over dinner, and then taking seven hours to eat dinner so you can keep watching TV.” 



Sources confirm this is actually a great idea and someone should write that down.


“Every cigarette is a drunk cigarette when you’re always drunk,” Sam told reporters from the top of a traffic light that she climbed, cigarette and cider in hand.


At press time, Sam’s friends staged an intervention to get her to kick both the smoking and drinking habits. She relented, promising that she’d stop smoking and drinking unless, of course, there was ever a time that she became really sad and needed to pick up a vice.