REPORT: Everyone Is Gwyneth Paltrow Until Proven Donald Trump

It’s common knowledge that the United States’ legal system is contingent on the phrase, “Innocent until proven guilty” – but after yesterday’s hearings, the United States government has voted to change this phrase to “Gwyneth Paltrow until proven Donald Trump,” effective immediately.


In a day of swift justice, it’s never been more clear to the nation that the foundations of our judicial system need to change.


“It’s important for our courts to stay updated with real events and how the world is changing every day,” Supreme Court Justice Elena Kagan told reporters. “This is why we’ve decided to make a change to the Fifth and Sixth Amendments and include the specifics of the Gwyneth Paltrow ski accident trial and Donald Trump’s hush money paid to Stormy Daniels. It’s just simply what’s right — and everyone should be measured by those two individuals.”



Some U.S. residents are confused about the recent change to the Bill of Rights, saying that it’s unnecessary and fleeting.


“Sure, it was a big day for justice,” Los Angeles resident Alex Perez said. “But I don’t get why we all have to be compared to Donald Trump and Gwyneth Paltrow now. I mean, I’m literally not either of those people.”



According to White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, the new amendment has already been signed into law, and will change how our justice system functions for years to come.


“Be careful what you do out there,” Jean-Pierre said during today’s press briefing. “Because everyone will now be measured by the actions of these two white celebrities.”