5 Ways to Gwyneth Paltrow-fy Your Family Tragedies

A guide to turning even the saddest of news into a vehicle for making your life seem totally perfect.


We all aspire to live a life as divine as Gwyneth Paltrow, but not all of us have the elite tools we need to turn sad events into empowering and enviable life experiences. Here’s how to turn your deepest family tragedies into enlightening milestones in your life journey with just a simple turn of phrase. You too can Goop-ify any misfortune!


Your Uncle’s in a Coma

When your friends asked what happened to your uncle, tell them he is simply practicing “Conscious Unconsciousness.” Suddenly, his coma becomes his own willful choice, rather than the after effect of being mowed down by a Semi.


Your Husband Cheated on You

So your husband had an affair. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing! According to Webster’s, an affair is nothing more than “a social function.” What fun! Why not refer to it as a “formal affair.” After all, he did spend a good deal of money on her. So every time your mind wanders to the image of him going down on your slutty housekeeper, think of an elegant party instead!



Your House Burned Down

In ancient cultures, fire was considered a divine element, bringing warmth, illumination and cleansing. So instead of mourning your loss, rejoice in the symbolic meanings of fire itself – it was a “ritual of cleansing,” where you symbolically rid yourself of the clutter in your life. You didn’t “lose everything.” Your life was illuminated.


Your Grandpa Has Parkinson’s

The last thing you want to do is call it by that awful name. Instead, tell your friends he’s working on his “kinetic movement practice.”


Your Father was Fired

He wasn’t “laid off” of his job of 30 years, he was “let free,” like that bird from Maya Angelou’s poem wanted so for so long.


With Gwyneth as your muse, you’ll never let yourself feel truly sad again – no matter how bad things get!