With several successful cookbooks and her popular website, Goop, Gwyneth Paltrow is without a doubt the top celebrity lifestyle guru. I made it my mission to follow her teachings and ate according to her famously restrictive diet for a month. When I started this project, I thought at best I might see minor health improvements, but I could have never predicted the actual results of my experiment: Now I’m replacing Gwyn herself in Shallow Hal 2, a sequel to her 2001 rom-com with Jack Black about a big woman who’s beautiful on the inside.
This was not the diet revolution I had hoped for.
Every morning for the past month, I attempted to recreate Gwyneth’s signature green juice, grinding up and straining a variety of vegetables and spices, and it was hard work. Not only did this juice taste okay, but after just a few days I also began to see a difference in my waistline. Such a difference, in fact, that casting agents for Shallow Hal 2 showed up on my doorstep with piles of documents for me to sign. Can’t a girl look as good as she feels without being relentlessly hounded to star in Shallow Hal 2? I guess not!
In addition to weight loss, avoiding all the foods Gwyneth is “allergic” to—like wheat, dairy, and basically every other food—has given my skin a luminous natural glow. Now this glow will be shared with the world, assuming moviegoers can see it buried under layers of a strikingly realistic, faux double chin in Shallow Hal 2. Thanks a lot, Gwynnie!
Not only did I eat like Paltrow, I also gave her vigorous exercise regimen a try. Working out like Gwyneth for several hours a day toned my arms in less than two weeks. It turns out my newly trim, muscular physique is ideal for lumbering around set in a cumbersome 25-pound fat suit. The director even remarked, “Look at you go! Real Gwyneth could barely move in that thing!” I was flattered by the compliment, but honestly I just wanted to go home and not be in Shallow Hal 2.
Now that my month-long experiment has come to an end, I’m witnessing the heartbreaking reversal of all the hard-earned benefits of living like Gwyneth, thanks to countless sedentary hours spent in the makeup chair as my team meticulously applies the Shallow Hal 2 “look.” But when I’m all done with this, Blake Lively’s diet is up next…and probably my turn to slip on those traveling pants.