In a race that’s already bursting with candidates, it can be difficult to decide how to properly judge a presidential hopeful. Far too much time is spent debating whether female candidates are “likable” which is an unfair standard to put upon women specifically. That’s why after some deep soul searching and Spotify shuffling, I’ve come to the conclusion that only one qualification truly matters to me. My future President must be able to know all the lyrics to the early 90s hit, “Shoop,” by Salt-N-Pepa.
It may seem silly to focus on this compared to more traditional qualifications, like whether or not you’d want to have a beer with, or a background in public service and concrete political experience. To that I say, “No thanks.” But can they also do the voodoo that you do so well it’s a spell hell makes you wanna shoop shoop shoop?! Now we’re talking.
Now, it won’t be easy to find this dream candidate who can rail off the five verses of purse Shakespeare that make up this groundbreaking R&B classic, but like grassroots organizations are always saying, start by picking one issue you truly care about and focus in on it. We need someone who can Shoop all the way to the White House – including the male part and all of the musical riffs.
We also really shouldn’t downplay the value of memorization and an appreciation of what makes our culture what it is today. At 729 joyful words (unless you consider ba-doop to be two), “Shoop” is the perfect litmus test for our future leader. The tune that made it all the way to #4 in the the Billboard Hot 100 will send my candidate straight to #1 in the polls – even though no woman has done this yet so realistically it’s going to be a man. See lyric: “Girls, What’s our weakness? Men!” for reference.
If you’re still struggling with who to throw your support behind in the upcoming presidential race, consider how someone who hits skins for the hell of it, just for the yell of it, would look delivering your State Of The Union. We are incredibly fortunate to live in a country where completely arbitrary and meaningless qualifications can become legitimate means to choose the President of the United States. God Bless the U.S.A.! And God Bless Salt-N-Pepa. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be looking for the next state representative who can nail “What’s Up” by 4 Non Blondes.
