Lacey thinks she knows everything because she’s got two boyfriends, but you totally know what a penis is and what they like. Penises are more than hearsay to you and it’s time to prove it! Here are some absolutely true facts about penises that will make Lacey sorry she ever doubted your penis knowledge!
A Penis Is Just a Big Muscle Like A Bicep
Next time Lacey won’t shut up about penises, coolly drop the fact that the penis is just a big muscle. Because you’ve seen so many penises, you know this is true! Imagine how dumbstruck Lacey will look when you offer this detail that only true penis experts know. The stronger the penis, the better the sex, because the better the penis can flex and lift things (like vaginas). As Lacey’s dumb jaw hangs open, shout, “I hope your boyfriends work out!” then run away before she can ask any more questions.
Blow A Penis Too Hard And It Will Pop
Here’s a not-so-fun fact: penises can be overinflated. Maybe you’re excited about giving a blow job but slow those lungs down! The name is deceptive, but that’s not your fault! What people (Lacey) probably doesn’t understand is that penises feel good when they are semi-inflated but it hurts when a penis explodes, plus you might be liable to be sued, so keep it calm. Lacey might need advice, so tell her to practice blowing out candles or cooling down a spoon of hot soup to get an idea of what to do!
There’s Balls There
You’ve shown Lacey you know the basics, but wait until she sees you for the Ballstar Allstar you are! Nailed it! In all of Lacey’s boyfriend’s penises, she may not have noticed that two huge basketballs are also there to play with—and it’s rude not to! Take it to the hoops and do all the penis stuff out there… and play some knock-out! You know that boys love sports so this is a good idea! It’s honestly insane that Lacey would make fun of you when you know all these true facts!!!
It’s Hungry
Knock knock, who’s there, you’re there, the penis expert! Zing! And because you’re an expert, you know the next bit of knowledge, which is that penises need to be fed! Otherwise how will they grow? Lacey has probably been starving her penises. Idiot! What do penises eat? Not much—a penis is smaller than a baby! Next time Lacey calls you “inexperienced,” use this information and impress her. Then for her birthday, give her penis food, and watch her offer to be your best friend. Best Penis Friend. Finally.
So there it is—proof is in the penis pudding! Yum! No matter how much Lacey tells you you’re “wrong” or “a virgin,” don’t believe her. You’re the penis expert and you deserve a penis crown!!!
