How to Pass Off Your IBS Bathroom Trips as a Cool Coke Habit

If you have irritable bowel syndrome, you know how embarrassing it can be to constantly keep going to the bathroom when you’re hanging out with your friends. That’s why each time you feel a little grumble, you should just pretend that you’re going to the bathroom to do some blow instead! Here’s how to transform your embarrassing chronic gastrointestinal disorder into an awesome coke habit in the eyes of your loved ones:


Play the part

Before you even feel the need to empty your bowels, your friends need to believe that you already have a coke problem. That’s why when you first meet up with them you should be super excited to see them. Try out a way-too-firm handshake, or maybe an uncontrollably loud laugh. It’s best to act super jumpy so that you can jump into the bathroom when you get the chance!


Be on your phone a lot

Another good way to convince your friends that you have a coke problem instead of a bowel issue is to constantly be on your phone, suggesting that you’re making your next coke deal. Maybe pretend you got a bad text and slam your fist on the table. You could also say something like “Fuck! I’m just trying to buy more coke! Fuck!” Say ‘fuck’ a lot.


Deny your friends any of your ‘coke’

After you’ve made a scene, your friends are probably gonna ask if they can have some of your coke, or maybe your friends are upstanding individuals and they’ll actually be worried about you. In either case, NEVER let them follow you into the bathroom, for more reasons than one. Just say that they ‘probably couldn’t handle it’ or that it’s laced with something really bad. That should do the trick!



Leave no trace

When you ultimately excuse yourself to the bathroom and do your business, make sure that it really seems like you just did coke in there. Preferably you should have a little baggy of baking soda, or maybe even real coke, that you can sort of just sprinkle around the room. You should probably use some air freshener if it’s in there too.


Reunite with your friends

As soon as you close the bathroom door behind you, make really big dramatic movements to brush the ‘coke’ off of you. Wipe it off your face, your clothes, your shoes even. This will make all your friends think “Wow, they definitely just did a LOT of coke in there!”


So if you struggle with IBS, simply follow these steps when you’re out and about and want to cover it all up. Even though you’ll have to pretend that you have a coke habit for as long as you have IBS, at least your friends will think you’re super cool!