How to Convince Yourself That Drinking Poison Surrounded by Mildly Threatening Strangers is a Good Time

The world is opening back up! And you know what that means: It’s time to be surrounded by a bunch of sweaty semi-menacing strangers as you pretend to enjoy beverages that are slowly eroding your liver. If you, like us, have forgotten how to have fun in settings once deemed to be danger zones by the CDC, you have come to the right place! Here is how to convince yourself that you are actually enjoying poisoning the only body you will ever have while drunk people shout in your ear.


Pretend you’re a Sim.

In a simulated world, your reality is what you make of it. You can be whoever you want to be and do what you want to do. Think of every beverage you consume as supplying a boost for your social battery. Each conversation will allow you to unlock a new level for your journey home. Your prize? Simply getting through this expensive and gently harrowing night that ultimately you have elected to partake in for “fun”!


Replace the alcoholic drinks with various juices and watch the placebo effect work its magic

It’s a win-win situation. You’ll get to watch a free theatrical performance and will save yourself from premature liver failure. Further, take this as a time to observe human behavior. Who will pretend to be drunk? Who will simply enjoy their Cran-Raspberry? Who pre-gamed a worrisome amount? The questions are endless and will keep you busy for a few hours before it’s a reasonable time to leave. Plus you don’t have to burn your throat on liquid that makes you vomit!



Take the aux hostage and force everyone to listen to Mitski on repeat

Who says you can’t play Mitski at a party? If you are going to be uncomfortable the whole night, so should everyone else. So, put on your sad bitch Mitski playlist and scream your miserable heart out to Puberty 2. Plus, your sobbing just might put an end to the gathering and convince everyone decent to go home! You won’t have FOMO if your friends are in their beds reliving every traumatic heartbreak they’ve ever experienced. The mildly scary people can stay, but they should keep listening to Mitski, anyway. Maybe they’ll work through some stuff.


Social gatherings are incredibly overrated, but for some reason we feel compelled to keep going to them. So, try out these tips to enjoy your time in incredibly awkward and borderline life-threatening environments.