How To Convince Yourself The Girl in His Profile Pic is Not His Girlfriend

Not Your Boyfriend - Reductress

Have you ever spent the whole night talking and laughing with a cute guy as if you’d known each other for years, but find out later that there’s another woman in his profile picture? Do NOT jump to conclusions, because there are plenty of ways that she could not be his girlfriend. We compiled a guide of delusional self-talk to help you figure out who this innocent siren might be to your future beau:


His Sister

Is he standing tall with his arm draped affectionately around her bare shoulders and kissing her temple as she beams at the camera? Slowwww down. Just because she’s roughly the same age, race, and body type doesn’t mean they’re dating: that could be his sis! Analyze their face shapes, orientation of features, and hair texture for as long as it takes to convince yourself that they totally look alike. If they don’t look anything alike, remember: adoption is legal now! Don’t worry about how gorgeous she looks in that dress: most people don’t date their siblings. Go get that man!


His Mom

Who’s that hottie he’s with in a bikini somewhere in Aruba? Chill out. It’s his dear old mom! Thanks to modern medicine, many women are able to look years or even decades younger than their true age. Many women have their first periods around age ten, so it’s totally plausible that she once carried him in that jaw-droppingly flat stomach of hers. Try to imagine what his father must have looked like in order to sort of see how she could be maybe his mom. And stop worrying – she might be your stunning future mother-in-law one day! Go GET that man!


His Gay Best Friend

So what if she’s sporting inch-long acrylic nails? She could TOTALLY be a lesbian. And that ring on her finger? The picture of her with tears in her eyes, looking at the ring, as he kisses her hand? Maybe he’s just really excited that she’s finally marrying her girlfriend, Beth. Maybe he just loves gay marriage that much. Or maybe he’s viciously biting her hand and she is crying in pain. Whatever. Don’t think about it. She is gay. Go GET that MAN!!



His Daughter

Okay. Few options here. One: She’s a very mature-looking 12 year-old. Two:  He had her at nine years old. Three: a Benjamin Button situation. Those pictures of her in a white dress kissing him in front of a church full of happy people could totally be one of those weird Southern purity balls where girls “marry” their dads. Some creepy Southern shit like that. He’s from Delaware… that’s the South, right? Total daughter. GO GET THAT MAN!!!!


A Ghost

He looks pretty scared in that pic, right? There he is, just trying to hold somebody’s newborn baby, and here comes this bloated lady ghost, sweating and smiling over his shoulder. It’s like she wants to haunt the baby or something, the way she’s tenderly touching his baby blanket. Meanwhile the guy is like “Jeez, ghost lady, get outta here, I’m trying to hold my cousin’s baby at this barbecue that’s in a hospital for some reason!” She is a ghost and he is single. GO GET THAT PRIEST AND THEN GET THAT MAN!!!!!!!!!


And remember: just because his profile says “in a relationship” doesn’t mean he’s in one! He probably just forgot to update his status. So go get that man!