Finding balance in life is tough, especially when you can’t decide whether to have sex with your man or just lay around like a lazy piece of shit. Here are some no-fail tips for seducing your lover without compromising your sedentary lifestyle:
1. Use The Remote – The remote isn’t just for turning on the TV! Next time you two are catching up on House Hunters International, start sexily licking the remote. You barely have to move your arm because it’s already in your hand and he’ll beg you to do it to his penis! Then say no because House Hunters International is on.
2. Show Some Skin – That pullover hoodie you’re wearing means no showcasing your boobs, but ankle cleavage is still fair game! Roll up the XXL sweatpants you stole from your ex, prop your feet up on a decorative pillow, and your guy will be begging for it in no time. Remind him not to finish on your fancy new West Elm pillows though.
3. Involve Food – Everyone knows that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! Take two Bugles from the family-size bag you’ve been munching on and stick them on your nipples. Eat the Bugles because there’s no way you’re going to waste two perfectly good Bugles, then then let your man take care of the rest! **
**Picking up the crumbs then having regular old sex during The New Girl commercials.
4. Use Props – Take your favorite throw from the sofa and cover your body with it. When your man gets home and asks why you didn’t go to work again, interrupt him by saying: “I’m naked under here, sweet thing.” When he says, “I can see your hoodie poking out of the back; you’re not naked.” Tell him, “Okay true, but do you want to bang anyway? It’s 9:58 and we can get it in before Nashville comes on.” He won’t be able to resist! Do not take off your hoodie.
5. Ask for What You Want – Guys LOVE dirty talk. Beckon him over to the couch and tell him exactly how to please you. Put on your sexiest voice and try saying things like, “Once this fart dissipates, you can scoot over and put your penis in my vagina but please don’t distract me from The Real Housewives of New York.” There is no need to take your sweatpants all the way off.
Use these tips and you’ll go from a couch potato to a HOT potato in no time!