Despite the attendees’ long-winded conversations about how good the cheese is and how much of it they are eating, caterers were dumbfounded by the untouched cheese platter at Amanda Bell’s bridal shower this Wednesday.
“It doesn’t make any sense,” says Waiter Joseph Turner, “They were all making vomit noises over by the massaged Kale salad, but that was completely gone by 8:30.”
Many of the women at the shower claimed to have consumed more than one entire baked brie and repeatedly yelled, “Ughhh I can’t stop!” By the end of the night, the cheese plate remained entirely intact.
After overhearing plans to “destroy that Manchego” or “go to town on that Stilton”, caterers brought out a pristine eighteen-inch ball of curd (pressed together and then aged 12 months) from the special reserve. Despite many “oohs” and “ahs” from attendees, there was no evidence of consumption, or even tampering, of the carefully curated arrangement.
“I swear, it was like a cheese-plate war cry the entire night,” adds Turner.
Nearly every guest took boisterous credit for “putting away” one or all of the still uneaten cheese hunks. “You might as well call me a Bagless Hoover the way I was sucking those cheeses down,” Guest Deborah Finkle maintains. “I’m a goddamn animal sometimes.”
Even Taylor Kraus, a severely lactose intolerant attendee, claims to have taken part in the cheese plate. “Like, I love cheese so much…I can’t even,” she was heard saying after the event, “What’s a little bathroom trouble when you’ve got cheeses like this?”
Event organizers reveal that there was a sizeable investment in exotic cheeses from Whole Foods, as per numerous requests on the Facebook Event page wall. Three thousand uneaten cupcakes were also ordered based on guest’s estimations of how many they would each eat.
“I’m literally still full,” says one attendee, days later. The cheese was donated to a local shelter.