Remember “Flat Jessica,” the overactive, non-period-having gymnast from junior high? Nobody liked her, cause nobody likes a girl who is pushing 14 and tearily asking her mom how to put in a tampon. If your daughter is still period-less and you actually love her, you better make sure that visit from Aunt Flow comes before winter break. You don’t want your daughter become a woman too slowly, do you? Here are some tips to make sure your daughter won’t be the last girl to become a woman this school year:
Go All Non-Organic
Chicken breasts and milk are pumped with a shit ton of hormones, and if you’re smart, you’ll pump your daughter with them, too. It’s almost Halloween and she’s not filling out that Vampire Diaries costume you made her… Cacciatore, anyone?
Add More Red in Her Life
Make an inspiration board with pictures of your daughter next to bloody things and leave it in her room. If she stares long enough, she’ll be intimidated into menses sooner than later. (See below for more tips on scaring.)
Add a Tampon in Her Lunch Box
Have you read The Secret? The first way to getting your period is to act as if the period is going to come. Keep your little woman prepared with a tampon in her lunchbox – those other girls at the lunch table will assume she’s one of us, now.
Sunday, Bloody Sunday
This works like scaring someone out of the hiccups, except you’re scaring her into her menstrual cycle. Yell at her and tell her what a failure she will be if she doesn’t get her period first, how she’ll be mocked until the end of time by her peers and how she’s let down a long line of early bleeders.
Help Her Lie
If all else fails, start her on the right foot to womanhood and make her lie. Teach her how to fake cramps, take Midol, and avoid white pants. And remember – only let her use regular and lite tampons while faking her period – super or super-plus are for weirdos. The whole reason you did this in the first place is so she’d be REGULAR. DON’T ruin this now.
Getting your period is a cool and fun thing every girl should experience in a timely manner long before the last of her friends does. That’s what it’s all about. Welcome to womanhood, bleeding lady!