How To Live Your Life As If You’ve Never Once Farted In Your Sleep

It can be hard to be confident when your body frequently performs disgusting and inexcusable everyday functions. But just because you fart in your sleep almost every night shouldn’t affect the way you carry yourself. Here’s how to live your life as if you’ve never, ever farted in your sleep. Not even once! Even though you do, constantly.


Groom Yourself

Hop in a bubble bath or treat yourself to a face mask to feel like you’ve never once farted into the person who is spooning you while you’re fast asleep. Spend a little extra time on your makeup or hair if it will make you feel better for the rest of the day! People will notice your newfound confidence, and they definitely won’t think you’ve ever farted in your sleep. Even though that’s definitely happened – you think it didn’t, but it did.


Wear Something You Love

Wearing the perfect outfit is key to having an incredible day – slip on a flowy dress or finally rock that blazer hiding in the back of your closet! With your newfound confidence, you’ll totally convince everyone (including yourself) that you have never passed gas while you were sleeping. Even though you definitely have, because you’re a human with a butthole. Also, sometime when you wake up you fluff the covers and it’s pretty nasty. Woohoo!


Think Positively

Quiet your negative thoughts by replacing them with positive ones. It will feel forced at first, but soon being kind to yourself will be second nature. If you usually look in the mirror and say, “I know you farted the whole night, you toot monster,” try replacing that with, “I don’t know what a fart is and am perfect.” You’re an inspiration!


Stand Tall

Fix your posture to fake confidence until you really feel it. As you’re standing tall, your co-workers will never know that you woke up last night because you thought toxic fumes were killing you. After an investigation, you discovered that smell was actually just your own emission! Haha your body is a true mess!



Smile More

Smile more, and no one will suspect you’ve ever farted. Now, you’re perfect!


Here are some ways to live your best life convincing everyone that you have never once tooted while sleeping. Sure, sleep farts are your deepest shame and make you unloveable, but you’re a confident bitch who knows how to compartmentalize!