Life is full of major challenges and little irritations and humans often use these irritations to commiserate and bond. But it can be hard to complain when you have a glorious $12 wedge of soft cheese waiting for you at home. Here are some tips for acting miserable even though you have a perfectly good wedge of brie sitting in your fridge.
Focus On Everything That’s Bad Even Though Brie Is Good
If you want to make the martyr act you’ve been cultivating since your sister got the top bunk in sixth grade convincing, you’re going to have to focus on the negative in spite of the fact that you have the crown jewel of charcuterie in your possession. Yes, yes, brie is good –better than good – but there are lots of things that are bad: parking tickets, Fox News, when you think you just did something a weird way that everyone else always does the right way, Comic Con. See, everything sucks! (Except cheese.)
Constantly Describe Yourself As Broke When You Have One Of The More Expensive Cheeses In Your Fridge
Even though you sprung for the triple cream, you have got to keep telling people you have no money to keep their sympathies going. Spend a lot of time talking about all the things you can’t afford, like all food that’s not brie, and hope people don’t notice the Dean and Deluca bag in the cabinet under your sink.
Complain That You Never Get Anything You Want, When There It Is, Your Favorite Decadent Snack, Nestled In Your Refrigerator
Life isn’t fair, and you often don’t get the things you really want, like a soulmate so it’s important to emphasize that there are lots of things out of your control. Of course one thing firmly within your control is that you can think, “hey I want the creamiest cheese you can imagine right now,” drive to the store, and buy some.
With these tips, you’ll be able to keep feeling sorry for yourself even though you are able to buy and enjoy luxury grocery items. While your life may not be truly miserable right now, it will be in like six minutes, when the entire wedge of brie is gone. That’s definitely something to keep in mind. Brie, like most of life’s pleasures and life itself, is fleeting.
