Being miserable is something you’re used to, but now, life has started to work out. You have a job you like that pays you enough, your friends are there when you need them, and your boyfriend is super cool! When being happy with your life goes against everything you’re used to our believe in, here are some effective ways to stay miserable even though everything in your life is getting way better and everything might just work out for once.
Wear Jeans That Are Too Tight
We all know that when you’re wearing the wrong sized clothes, everything in your life becomes a hellscape, even when it’s pretty good. So toss aside those yoga pants, and throw on those sad low-rise skinny jeans from high school. They’ll squeeze your love handles so much you will be in physical pain and emotional pain from the memory of fitting into them even though you’ve been feeling really good about your body lately and your acne has really cleared up since then. Thought you finally found self-acceptance? Think again!
Call UPS and Ask Them To Lose Your Packages
Are you looking forward to your new leather boots coming in the mail? What about that glass Tupperware set you were so excited about? Or your contact lenses you need in order to see? Those things will be so useful, so just call UPS and ask them to lose your packages! You’ll be so inconvenienced and a little blind! Looks like you can’t trust the world after all, huh?
Stick Your Finger In Fire
Find a candle or a fireplace or a wildfire, and just stick your finger right in that hot, hot flame. Ouch! Your survival instincts may lead you to pull away when your brain perceives the danger of the open flame, which will also tell your lizard brain, “This is bad. Everything is bad.” Enjoy returning to the calm knowledge that your life is in ruins, if only for a moment!
Sprinkle Mold Over All Your Food, Eat It Anyway
Let something fester on your kitchen counter for a few days, then put it on all the food in your fridge. Bring mold to your favorite restaurant and put it on your piping hot pad Thai. Whether or not it is making you sick, you’ll feel sick all the time just thinking about it. Congrats! You’ve fucked yourself over again and now you don’t have to contemplate why you’re so afraid of happiness!
Fuck Your Least Favorite Co-Worker
Work’s been really good lately, and that’s getting to be TOO much! Fortunately, all you have to do is have sex with that lame guy and squander everything you’ve worked so hard for by making things really weird and complicated with someone you don’t really like very much. While he’s busy bragging about how he’s just got a “knack for finance”, you’ll be fuming in your seat wishing you hadn’t let him penetrate you. YOU OWN MISERY NOW! LIFE WILL NEVER BE GOOD AGAIN!
If none of this works, read the news! Even if your life is less miserable, most people’s lives are way worse than yours!