You’ve been waiting all your life for this moment: You finally have a Valentine! Ever since you were a tiny girl, you dreamed of sharing a romantic Valentine’s meal full of chocolate-covered strawberries, champagne, homemade pasta, and molten chocolate cake. You just never imagined that the man who would make you his Valentine wouldn’t indulge in any of it—because he’s paleo. You might think that just because your boyfriend lives an unconventional lifestyle, you won’t be able to have the romantic, indulgent evening you so admire. Not only can you hold onto your dreams and ideals, but you can still have the Valentine’s Day you’ve always dreamed about – no matter what he doesn’t eat.
Eat His Food
One way to accommodate his dietary restrictions is to not accommodate them. Insist that he takes you to a small French bistro that only serves steak frites, no substitutions. Not only will he have a lump of fries he can’t eat, but you’ll also be able to have a double serving of fries. It’s double the pleasure, double the romance! Then, when dessert comes around, tell him it’d be wrong to pass it up and order the chocolate cake of your dreams. Eat it in front of him. This relationship might be over tomorrow, but for now, you have someone to watch you eat carbs. Romantic!
Go Even More Paleo
They had fire in the Paleolithic era, so why not make your romantic candle-lit dinner something of an adventure? Really put him in the right mindset by hiring a forest ranger to guide you both to a local cave. Then set some local brush on fire, slip into an alluring canvas tunic, and use rocks as plates for some medium-well steaks! Not only is it unforgettably unique, he’ll also appreciate the effort you put in to make his Valentine’s Day just as special as normal people’s.
Use Your Feminine Wiles
Sure, he looks stronger and leaner than he has ever been, but you miss being able to bring real food into your own house. Get him to give up this ridiculous caveman lifestyle with your sexy sex appeal. Invite him over to help you “set up your pedometer”; then when he shows up, surprise him by being naked on your bed, covered in chocolate syrup, whipped cream, honey—anything with sugar. This is what you’d call an ultimatum.
Flake Out on Him
Tell your babe you’re sick, and instead order a large pizza and watch Pride and Prejudice on Netflix. This way, you don’t have to deal with him and his insane diet at all! Sometimes a girl’s best lover is herself, especially if she eats bread like a normal person. He was never going to be as romantic as this movie, anyway.
It’s easy to think that your partner’s terrible life choices will negatively affect all special occasions, but as long as you put yourself and your needs first, there’s no way you’ll have a terrible Valentine’s Day. You deserve to get everything you’ve ever wanted in a Hallmark holiday, and it’s up to you to make it happen. After all, did the cavemen sit around and wait for dessert to come to them? No. They did not. They didn’t have dessert and now they’re dead. Enjoy!